Best Frienimy
-
Alright, disclaimer time: I didn't sleep much at all last night because the little voice in my head that was "writing" this wouldn't shut up. So, it will ramble. Apologies, but maybe there will be some out there with a similar brand of insanity that I have who will be able to make sense of it.
I am the type of person who doesn't enjoy conflict. Primarily the conflict that is just between two people or small groups. Due to this, I know there are plenty of reasons two people can not get along and attempt to see those reasons and use them in an effort to mediate situations.
But, there is one reason that just intrigues me to no end.
The two people are too alike.
Yes, that can be a reason. I have seen it first hand several times, with myself and with others close to me.
These people are the most interesting. They are an example of extremes.
They will alternate between being the best of friends, doing everything together, having all the same interests ect and utterly hating each other. On several occasions when that "switch" happens, they may not be able to even tell you why once they get past the perceived slights they can swear they are suffering from the other.
Those same things that they shared that gave them that unbeleivbly close friendship are now the things that they can't stand about the other.
Everything the other does is just infuriating. They are angered even thinking about the fact they might be being thought about but equally they are angered at the thought they may no longer matter enough (for somewhere there is still that "connection", a desire to be close once more) to be thought about at all.
If both sides were to stop and be completely honest with themselves, odds are they would grudgingly admit that the things they hate about the other person are also the things they hate about themselves. All the perceived wrongs that are being done or all the utterly horrible actions of the other person are things that they have done or are also doing themselves that they are not proud of. Features of their own personality that they dislike.
So, why does it continue? Why do both sides keep this feud instead of turning back to "best friends" again?
I am not sure I can answer that. Neither person wants to be forgotten. Neither wants to admit they are in the wrong (assuming they are that type of people). They want a closeness with the other, even if it has to be negative attention.
Perhaps someday again the stars will align and the switch will be flipped and they will once more become an inseperable two-some.
I have no degree in this stuff, this is just borne out of personal observation and examination of my own feelings over the course of years as well as the 2am mental "writing" of this keeping me up.
I'm sure I missed some key "point" that was so urgent in the wee hours of the morning. Oh well…
I'm not looking for a fight. I'm not looking for trolls. You want either, move along.
~Sweets
-
I am not quite sure what hope to learn here with this, or achieve, but I can quote this from a game I once played (and whom probably took it from someone else again):
"It takes more courage to take a step back, than to go forward. You do not know whether there will be any ground to stand upon if you do."Roughly meaning that it is easier to stand your ground and thus maintaining the conflict, rather than taking a step back to reflect and apologize, even if the fault is not really yours to begin with. Being humble and taking some responsibility to end a conflict that you have no interest in maintaining, rather than standing up for the sake of your own pride takes much courage, and is the main reason a conflict with no real purpose (as most conflicts are) drags on.
Even if you are in the right, there is nothing stopping you from taking the step back (and a hit to your pride) in order to end the conflict. This, at least, I have learned over the years living in the turmoil of endless drama on all sides. Very little is, in truth, worth being bothered over to such an extent that you let a conflict last. Personally I try to stop, take a deep breath and just agree, since the terms and consequences are usually quite insignificant either way, and things are much better off solved.
This is my sagely advice, after having lived with and around women for some years now.
-
So, why does it continue? Why do both sides keep this feud instead of turning back to "best friends" again?
I am not sure I can answer that. Neither person wants to be forgotten. Neither wants to admit they are in the wrong (assuming they are that type of people). They want a closeness with the other, even if it has to be negative attention.
There's the option one gives up but the other is precistent and tries to kill the other but fails continuesly. One hunts the other doesn't. One forgives the other doesn't.
Did we miss that one or am I more sane then I think and I can't get a grip of it?
-
@Selene:
Did we miss that one or am I more sane then I think and I can't get a grip of it?
I don't think you need to worry about being "too sane" any time soon, mate.
-
What lilles said. Let go of your pride, forgive and forget. Grudges and enmity will do you no favors towards your livelihood and personal growth. Once a person let's go of all sense of self-importance, he learns to be truly free, even of himself.
-
I wouldn't take things so personally. This is just a game, after all.
-
@Selene:
Did we miss that one or am I more sane then I think and I can't get a grip of it?
I don't think you need to worry about being "too sane" any time soon, mate.
Too sane would mean insane now I think of it.
and lillesmurfen you are indeed quite right in the part of taking a step back, it is unfortunately not always possible if the other does wish you dead or chase you out of the city…
Best advice from captain slick obvious in the "No shit sherlock" section B would be never start it anyway.
I wouldn't take things so personally. This is just a game, after all.
oh wait is this IG or real life? in real life I don't do feuds man I win or I lose, you shout loudly for half a minute and you're done.
-
My comments were reguarding RL situations.
Even people met through games are real people.
Unless they are Moloch, then they are just a baby eating head in a jar.
-
ow….. Apologies then I thought you were reffering to some IG feud with someone... ykes.
MY apologies
-
If this is truely rooted in RL, I'd suggest not hanging out with "two-faced" people. I tend to be very demanding of my friends, but I in return tend to treat my friends extremely well.
From where you posted the thread and the language in the thread, this does not sound like it is an issue -solely- rooted in RL. In which case, I'll stick with my prior statement.
-
What lilles said. Let go of your pride, forgive and forget. Grudges and enmity will do you no favors towards your livelihood and personal growth. Once a person let's go of all sense of self-importance, he learns to be truly free, even of himself.
This is pretty much the way I handle most situations. There are a few things that I will stand firmly behind but by and large, I leave smaller minds to their own delusions of how awesome they are. I like my self contained world, it means I'm awesome without being an overt butthead. And it gets me laid. >.>
People just like being around people who're laid back and comfortable with themselves and their environment without getting wrapped around the axles when things don't go their way. It's soothing. It also hides a multitude of flaws and failings. (Betchya didn't know Ghandi beat his wife, did ya?)
-
I just go have a beer with someone else till they calm down. Pretty simple really.
-
I just go have a beer with someone else till they calm down. Pretty simple really.
Usually works for me…
-
-
I just go have a beer with someone else till they calm down. Pretty simple really.
Usually works for me…
Another interesting study, I suppose.
The difference between males and females.
~Sweets
I have also found this only works for male vs male and rarely on male vs female case (though on that case it's hard for a rivalry to exist, but it seems a woman will forgive a man more easily than a woman for the same matter). Female vs female is a whole other matter as women take such things much more personal than the average guy.
As for what Sweets describes, I just call it a rivalry, a friendly one or not that usually fluctuates between the two extremes. It is natural for two people that are very similar to try and compete at the same things, so their sense of competition grows gradually. It creates tension that needs to be relieved, and that usually results in a small or large scale conflict. Conflict would come be it a man/man situation or woman/woman, but guys tend to let time heal, when women have to somehow explain why this happened and they need to have a "winner" in this conflict, which proves who was right and wrong during this conflict.
I personally think it is healthier to let go and let time do the trick. Then again a face off with both parties honestly explaining their views might result in a true sense of respect for each other for what they are and be the ultimate solution, but more often than not it will result in an "unfixable" fight, or the friendly relationship gets to awkward to keep.
BTW I am not by any means degrading women by expressing my opinion, it just happens that on this particular matter I think the above. On other cases, women do seem to have the upper hand (everyday life multitasking is one…)
-
I think two people who are alike tend to potentize to flaws, specialy if one of the flaws is pride. From my experience, such conflicts has a tendency to "snowball" quite fast, and soon you can't even tell how it all began.
In my case, a little break and a little time apart usualy works. (and of course beers)